Straight Wives, Shattered Lives

Written in response to the growing public sympathy for gay men married to straight women. In Kaye’s newest book on this topic, she has compiled the stories from 27 women from around the world who are part of her 7,000 member support network.

According to Kaye, a national expert who has counseled over 20,000 women and 1,000 gay husbands since 1984, “There has been a recent growing awareness to the plight of married gay men. This started with the movie “Brokeback Mountain,” and now continues with James McGreevey’s new book “The Confession.” Although it is important to understand the hardships that gay married men face living this deception, no one has accurately described the emotional shattering of their wives.”

Kaye’s online support group members were disturbed at the imbalanced picture that was being painted by the media. While the men were sympathetically portrayed as lovers doomed due to societal pressures, their wives were represented as silently suffering women who turned a blind eye. “It’s almost as if the wives were an after thought,” says Kaye. “There is no way that anyone could have a hint of the devastation our women face having their lives torn apart when they find out the cause of the failure in their marriages—namely homosexuality.”

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Women wrote to Kaye stating that they felt their perspectives needed to be heard accurately and with sensitivity. That’s why she offered them a chance to tell the true stories behind the heartache of women living with this lie. Although every woman in this situation feels isolated and alone, it is estimated in this country over 4 million women are currently in or have been in marriages to gay or bisexual men. Kaye explains, “The problem is that when the husband comes out of the closet, their wife moves deeper in. Women internalize the shame of their husband’s homosexuality. Family members and friends wonder how this can happen. In some cases, they blame the wife. They say ‘He wasn’t gay when he married, so why is he gay now? What did you do to turn him gay?’ People don’t understand homosexuality. Wives of gay men understand it least of all, and often believe it is their fault.”

Kaye contends that gay husbands have no choice in their homosexuality; however, they do have a choice in being honest with their wives. “Many of our women suffer for years with men who are resentful and angry because they feel trapped living a lie. The wives have their self and sexual esteem stripped down layer by layer until they no longer remember who they were before the marriage. No woman likes to feel as if she is ‘undesirable’ due to years of sexual rejection and humiliation.”  Kaye has worked with women from every walk of life including models, government officials, CEO’s, stockbrokers, and wives of clergymen. They live in all different parts of the country and other parts of the world. She explains, “It doesn’t matter where you live, how beautiful you are, your level of education, or how much money you earn. Living with a gay man takes away your sense of self and leaves you feeling emotionally void.”

While some couples work to keep these marriages together, Kaye takes the approach of divorce. “These marriages are mentally unhealthy for both the wife and the gay husband. When you read the stories of our women, you will see the years of wasted life that could have been salvaged if they would have known the truth earlier or even at all. Two people can successfully co-parent their children from different homes, remain a family unit of sorts until the children are grown, and hopefully salvage a good friendship. But living this life of confusion and self-doubt only leads to unhappiness for both parties.”

This is Kaye’s third book on the topic. Her other two books are, Is He Straight? A Checklist for Women Who Wonder (2000), and Gay Husbands/Straight Wives: A Mutation of Life (2003). Kaye’s site at www.Gayhusbands.com serves as a resource for Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Phil, Montel Williams, and Anne Landers.

Click Here To Order: Straight Wives, Shattered Lives